I'm not even out of my car in the parking lot and I feel petrified. Everyone else in the car is moving around getting there stuff to get out and all I feel like is turning around and running away. But I force myself out of that car. I cross my arms, square my shoulders an walk out into the parking lot. The closer I get to the building I can feel my skin crawling, as if my flesh is attempting to leave and crawl away far far away from my personal Hell. My boyfriend turns around and asks me if everything is all right and I just nod, because I'm afraid to speak. My voice is stuck in my throat and I'm not sure if it's caught between a scream or a sob. My cousin is jumping up the stairs two by two and making comments about how Heaven is going to send down flames and smite him because he's about to enter a church. I tell him to shut up it's just a building. Just a building, that's what I keep trying to tell myself.
I open the door, I'm the first one to step into the building and I swear for a second my heart just stops beating, but then it continues again. We're alone in the building, well close enough to alone. The Spanish Ministry are downstairs having a meeting with a bit of dinner but I stay out of there way making sure to avoid the room. For a second my eyes meet his and I frown and look away, I expect him to get up and say something to me but he stays at the table with the rest of his ministry and I let out a sigh of relief. We quickly return the tables we have borrowed for my graduation party and I realize this may be the only time I'm in this church basically alone. My memories are always haunting and this might be the only chance I get to make some sort of piece. I tell my cousin and friend that I'll meet them outside at my car in a minute, my boyfriend is a bit smarter then that. I race up the stairs and hope that I lose him and for a second I'm sure I did.
There's a room up the stairs to the right, the room is empty now, there are stained glass windows all around. One of the only rooms with stained glass windows. I go to the one on the fair left and look out the multicolored glass. Outside is a house, I used to imagine myself standing at that porch staring in at those stained glass windows instead of staring out of them because I was stuck in a prison. This was one of the few rooms I was able to breath in, even now breathing comes easier.
The door behind me opens and my boyfriend's talking attempting to fill up the silence, but I want the silence. These walls have been redone, I tell him. He's confused and asks me how I know. But again I don't answer, I can feel tears well up in my eyes as I stare out the small blue circle of glass. I know because I used to be able to sit down and stare out this window while I sobbed, but now to see out of it I have to stand out. But I don't tell him anything. He understands that I want to be left alone and he leaves the room leaving me with my memories. Of all the time my youth group had met in that room, all the times I laughed and had fun. All those times I was alone and wished I was somewhere else. Finally I have gone through all the memories and I leave the room into the main worship area of the church. I take one step into the main area and I swear I can't breath. It's as if the air has snaked around my throat and started to constrict, as if I was attempting to swallow in water. It's just a building I tell myself and the feeling leaves, but I'm left shaken.
Quickly I walk to the other end of the church down a different stairwell. My boyfriend has noticed and is following me again. I tell him I'm going to the bathroom, which I am. And he says he'll wait for me. I enter the bathroom, it's different then I last remember. The walls have been painted, it smells nice, and it has been decorated. But there's still that space underneath the sinks and I get on my hands and knees and crawl underneath it. I sit on the ground with my back against the wall and the sink above me, holding my knees to my chest. Here I can breath, here I feel safe. The one place in the whole building I've always felt safe. Whenever something went wrong this is where I hid, I can't count how many times Ky or Ang have found me holed up underneath there. And here is where I find what I was looking for. I get out from underneath, leave the bathroom, walk up those stairs, and walk out of the church.
I was talking to a friend about the builing afterwords and she told me that I can't make peace with that place until I make peace with myself. And I realized something, I don't want to make peace with that building. I'm not done with that building, I'm still being dragged there and I will for as long as my mother keeps going there. Not only that but while that building holds some of the worst moments of my life, it also holds some of the best memories. It's the cornerstone of my life, it made me who I am today. I can't forget it, if I forget it then I forget who I am and where I've been.
No comments:
Post a Comment