Today, May 3 2011. Today

Today has been a beautiful day, a lot of deep dialogue has happened and now I'm just sitting here in the library chewing over everything that has been spoken today. Already bits and pieces of it are slipping from my mind being pressed forward by the pressing issue of school. But I wanted to write it down before all my thoughts have evaporated into thin air. These are the topics that were discussed today in no particular order.

Parents
Remember when you were young and you idolized your parents? That no matter what they do they were perfect in your eyes. You looked up to them for everything. Any praise they gave you, you clung to tightly storing it in your mind. That whenever you disappoint them you feel like your world has changed. So when do these people you idolize become just like everyone else? When you begin to realize that they are  human just like you. That they have faults, and problems, and don't make the best decisions.

One of my closest friends is dealing with this issue. And I remember telling him that you grow up and you begin to see the world differently and you begin to see the faults in your parents. You remember them as being the person you looked up to, that was perfect in your eyes and now you don't see them like that anymore and your brain is trying to connect the dots but it can't. Your parents change over time, we like to believe that people stay the same but they don't and we need to understand that. And while your parents have changed you have to understand you have changed also.

I suppose when I began to see my parents differently was in middle school. When that naivee little world I lived in came crashing down all around me. And the view of the world changed for me and I had to grow up. But I wanted to protect my parents. I spent my whole middleschool and highschool life trying to protect my parents in my own way. Trying to protect them from the truth that their little girl was growing up and that she was going through a hard time. That she was facing challenges on her own and forming her own beliefs. Even now I find myself trying to protect them from who I am. Because what I want them to remember is the little girl who believed that the world was perfect. Who had no worries, who believed everything she was told. Who had no problems other then the ones she created in her imaginary world with her beanie babies. And I think my parents tried to do the same thing in their own way. I can't be naivee and say that they never noticed, because they noticed and that's why we fought all the time. I can't actually say what my parents were trying to do. I want to say they wanted to live in their delusion that everything was fine, but that wasn't it. I want to say that they wanted to understand and try to talk to me, but I'm not sure that is completely correct. But I do know they wanted to protect me and I wanted to protect them and because we never communicated we lost a lot.

Same-sex marriage
Today I read the most interesting article on same-sex marriage. It was about how same-sex marriage would affect the views of people in same-sex romantic relationships. Now that marriage is becoming an option for LGBT people it is becoming an important issue in LGBT communities. First off it'd make it more real to both people who are in the relationship and people who know the couple. Now that marriage is an option a lot of couples are feeling a sense of more (as they described) "realness" in their relationships. It's beginning to reach a new level of a deeper commitment. Not only that but people, friends, family, bosses, and the government, are going to have to take them far more seriously because they are legally husband and husband or wife and wife. Second of all when looking for a romantic partner now what they're looking for is changing. Those who want to settle down and get married are now dating people thinking would this person make a good spouse or a good parent. Those who don't want to get married now have less of a pool to choose from. And then those who are in a committed relationship and who plan to get married are having issues with gender roles. For example there is a lesbian couple who wants to get married but the proposal is the problem. They both want to be the "girl" in the relationship and want the other person to propose spontaneously. A gay couple both want to have a traditional Jewish wedding but are having issues with the gender roles and who should do them with breaking the glass and traditional the bride would walk around the husband seven times, but who is the bride in this case since they are both male?

This article is interesting to me, and I never thought of it like that. To me I always wanted to settle down with someone I suppose I figured same-sex marriage would be allowed by then or that a commitment ceremony would suffice. But I never got in a relationship that seriously to have to worry about that. And now that I'm in a relationship with a male, if it ever got that far down in the line, I wouldn't have to worry about any of that. In this heterosexual norm society we grew up in we already know to look for a spouse in the other person when we begin to date someone seriously. We don't ever notice the gender roles that take place in weddings because there is a man and a women and that's something we don't have to question or worry about. This article just made me think about a lot of things.

Feminism
If anyone hasn't noticed already, I'm a bit (A LOT) of a feminist. And today I was talking about it with my boyfriend. He gets uncomfortable when the topic comes up, not because he doesn't support it because he does fully, but he feels that there is anger directed at him because he is male. Plus he has this girl at his school who makes a big deal out of it and tries to fight him all the time saying men are the evil of the world blah blah blah. So I told him that next time she tries to fight with him just say I'm a feminist. And interesting enough he said he would but he was very unsure about it. I eventually got him to talk about it and he didn't want to say that because then that would identify him as a girl, which shocked me a little bit. But it's so true. We have this view of feminist that first off they have to be girls. They have to be angry all the time. They have to be outspoken. And they have to hate men. And none of these things are true at all.

 First off feminists don't have to be girls they can be men. As long as you believe that women should be treated as equals to men, and should be respected by men you have became a feminist in my book. We need men to start saying that they are feminists and to bring awareness because no one listens to a women who says they are a feminist instead they force these labels on her and ignore her. This kinda ties into the idea of privilege (look below). Men have more privilege then women and they have to recognize that so they can use their privilege and help us fight for our privilege and equal rights. No one listens to a group of women talking about women rights, but if it was a group of men then maybe someone would listen.

 Second of all feminists shouldn't be always angry. Yes, it's okay to be angry and to say your point of view. But if you're always fighting and always defensive no one is going to listen to you. Instead you should  say what you have to say and walk away if the other person gets defensive because you've given them something to chew on and that's enough. If you fight them no one is going to benefit.

 Third of all, feminists should not hate men. Hate is just an ugly idea to me and no one should hate anyone.

Privilege and Oppression
An interesting thing talked about for awhile has been privilege, I didn't go to the white privilege conference but I've heard a lot about it and sorta just chewed on it. And someone once said you need to understand the privilege you have and identify the privilege you don't have to start to understand the problem. And if you have a higher privilege then someone you should use your privilege to help them. Such as in my feminist example, we need who have the privilege to help women get their privilege. We need the rich to help the poor. We need the heterosexuals to fight for same-sex marriage. Etc.

Not only that but then there's oppression and how oppression today isn't talked about in an outward fashion but is secretive. Like we say there is no racism, but then why did different ethnicities stick together? Why do we have a ghetto? And why when we see someone's skin color we make assumptions and stereotypes without meaning to? Because racism still exists.

What I think is most interesting is when our privilege becomes our oppression. My boyfriend tonight said he hated it. He hated being white and being a male because everyone blames him even though he didn't do anything. He is blamed for everything the Europeans and Americans have done before even though he's never done those things. And because he's male people tell him he treats girls like crap or blame him for all of male's superiority when that's not him at all. I just find it so fascinating. While it's totally okay to think like that and I believe it makes for good dialogue the next step. Is too accept your privilege because fighting it isn't helping yourself or anybody else, and to understand that you have it and use it to help other people.

Abortion
I am pro-choice. That does not mean that I am all for abortion. I think it's interesting that people hear those words and jump straight to that conclusion. Abortion is the last thing I'd tell someone to do. I would never ever think about having an abortion. And if someone was thinking about having an abortion I'd try to talk them out of it and talk them into adoption. But I do believe that there should be a choice. That women shouldn't have to jump through all these legal loops that make it almost impossible to have an abortion and that when they can't do it legally they do it in a way that is dangerous to themselves.

Women's sexuality
And in an odd way abortion makes a connection to women's sexuality. Mainly that the law is trying to make all these laws and regulations on women's bodies without talking about the man issue. Women and Sex. My friend brought up this point today and I thought it was brilliant. It's so true. If women are getting pregnant obviously they are having sex and they should learn how to do it safely and with protection. Not only that but women are sexual being also, we don't call a man who sleeps around a whore but we call a women one. That is not right. First off what you do in your bedroom is your business and your business alone. If you feel inclined to tell someone then you should be able to do so without judgement. Women, sex, and masturbation should be talked about more freely. More interesting is the fact that most women have no idea about their own anatomy. Where is the article in cosmo that talks about how to please a women instead of how to please a man? I didn't have the sex talk with my parents I had to figure out everything for myself, and even though it would have been soooo awkward, I should have had someone to tell me about my own anatomy. Not only that but why is men masturbating something no one bats an eye at but the moment a women does and admits people get awkward. I think it is something we should talk more openly about and should be more comfortable with.

Culture
Never before this year have I thought about my culture. My father is Costa Rican so I'm half Hispanic, but my mother isn't and we never spoke Spanish in my house. We didn't grow up in that culture. I just use to check off the box that said Hispanic when asked what my ethnicity is. But I never really thought about it or lived it. When it came to family reunions on my dad side everyone was speaking Spanish and I'd just go downstairs and hide until it was done. I rejected a lot of Hispanic culture now that I look back on it and it makes me sad. Now that I'm here at Gustavus I'm meeting people who actually speak Spanish go to all the cultural events and it makes me wish that I had learned when I was younger. I'm finally feeling this cultural disconnect. The other day someone told me I should just identify with white and I just wanted to say, but I'm not white! I'm Hispanic! But do I have a right to claim that? It's something a lot of bi-racial people have to deal with and I'm finally feeling the affect of it. Next year I'm going to Costa Rica for J-term ((hopefully *crosses fingers*)) and the majority of the reason is because I want to feel some cultural connection. I want to see the place where my dad is from. I want to learn Spanish now and be able to speak to my grandparents in Spanish. It's not fair that they have to speak English to me when they're older. I'm younger I'm the one who is suppose to bridge that gap not them.

Today, May 3 2011, has been a day of deep thought and life. And I loved it. Here is a beautiful picture to leave you with for the night.

Privilege

Privilege [priv-uh-lij, priv-lij]
noun
a right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.

I am privileged to be able to go to a small liberal arts school that costs over 40,000 a year
I am privileged to always have shelter or a roof over my head
I am privileged to have food beyond what I need to survive
I am privileged to have a mom and a dad who are still married and still love each other
I am privileged to have friends that care about me
I am privileged to show emotions
I am privileged to have a bed
I am privileged to have clothes, shoes, and even beyond that
I am privileged to have a zune, cell phone, netbook, laptop, electronics
I am privileged to have clean water
I am privileged to have electricity and heat
I am privileged to have a car
I am privileged to express my identity
I am privileged to wear what I want
I am privileged to be a women
I am privileged to express my sexuality
I am privileged to have the freedom of speech and debate
I am privileged to have my own beliefs, values, morals, religion
I am privileged to travel
I am privileged to try to make social change in the world
I am privileged to dream and try to make that dream happen
I am privileged to make money
I am privileged to have a government who (for the most part) is on my side
I am privileged to have security
I am privileged to have medical assistance
I am privileged to have a job
I am privileged to be safe physically
I am privileged to be middle class
I am privileged to have opportunities

These are just a few of the many privileges I have. Every human being has a right to these things, but until that right is equal among all I am privileged to be able to do and have these things. I must remember that these are privileges and they can be stripped from me like they are stripped away from other human beings. I must be aware that I am granted these privileges and should make the most of it; so I can take what I learn and apply it to the world around me to make these privileges rights that every human being on this earth can have.

Rain Rain Stay Today Come Again Another Day

I love rain.

For the past day it's been raining at my college and it makes me so happy. Yesterday when walking back to my room I just stopped on the sidewalk and lifted my head towards the sky. Feeling the drops fall on my face and roll down the skin. I love the appearance of rain the small clear balls of rain falling from the sky, illuminated by the street lamps or by the dark of the night. Every time it rains I have to be outside. I normally stand in the rain until my hair is drenched and plastered against my forehead, my eyeliner is running down my face, and my clothes start to stick to my body. Some of my best memories were in downpours, running around in the backyard with a group of friends, dancing in the rain, doing cartwheels and somersaults, and playing red rover even though everyone's hands kept slipping because of the water. I've always wanted to get one of those cheap plastic pools and fill it with water and just jump in it when it's down pouring. I've always wanted to attempt to wash my hair in the rain and see how far I get. I've always wanted to kiss someone I care about in a down pour. And someday all those things I want to do are things I'm going to do.

I always find it fascinating how people attempt to describe rain and why it happens. One of my favorite ways is the saying that when it rains the angel's are crying. I find that oddly poetic, just the imagery of angel's crying. In my mind Angel's are mighty creatures, full of justice and vengeance, holy, warriors, and guardians. What could possibly cause those great creatures to cry? The fact that Angel's would show that suppose sign of weakness and not be ashamed of it. It makes me go wow. Or rain to me is mother nature's sign of life. Everything on this earth needs water to survive. Everyone sees rain as a nuisance but without it the grass wouldn't turn green, the trees wouldn't grow, and the flowers we admire wouldn't bloom. It's mother's nature way of waking up the earth.

My love for rain probably stems for my love of water and swimming. For three years I swam all four seasons, spring, summer, fall, and winter with no break in between. I loved swimming, what I didn't love was going to practice for two hours everyday and the competitiveness of the sport. I didn't swim to beat someone's time or even my own time. I swam because I needed it. I swam because without it my thoughts would have consumed me. I was drowning in everything else and I needed something real in my life. Air was too thin, to abstract. I knew it was around me but I couldn't feel it, it didn't support me. But water, water you could feel. If you ever just stop and stand or lay in the water you can feel it moving against your skin. When you submerge yourself you can feel it mold to the shape of your movements, you can feel your hair spreading out taken by the currents, you feel weightless. And when you swam and sliced the water you could feel it churning around you. Water was my support, my one constant during that time. But I'm far away from that time now. After I made myself see things differently I didn't need that support or constant, I no longer needed the endless thoughtless drills where I didn't think of anything else. And my dislike of the sport started to show and so I quit. I miss it, I miss the drone of swimming but I'd never do it competitively again. But every now and then when I need that feel of something surrounding me or something real I find myself once again at the edge of a body of water, whether that be a pool, a lake, an ocean, or the quarries I always go to.  

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...


I look into the two way looking glass every time I get up in the morning. But sometimes the face that stares back surprises me. That girl who stares back is a stranger to me. But those brown eyes, they say eyes are the windows to a person's soul, and her eyes always tell a story. Sometimes she looks so happy so confident I envy her, I wish I could look and think  like that. Sometimes she seems so innocent I want to guard her from the rest of the cruel and evil world. Sometimes she looks so lost, hurt and insecure I just want to wrap her up in my arms and tell her everything is going to be all right. But those times, those times when her brown eyes are so cold, detached from the rest of the world. When they seem so distant, unable to trust, so guarded all I want to do is slam my fist on the glass. Banging on the mirror until it breaks into a million little raining shards and yell; Why?! Who did this to you? Who hurt you so badly you lost all your belief in humanity? Who and what destroyed you? Don't turn away! Don't run! Don't hide! Just tell me. And other times when I look into that mirror both of us smile and share a secret laugh, so attached and so intertwined I have no idea where I start and where she ends. Two images that make one person. 


Mirrors have always been a fascination of mine. A morbid gothic fascination of mine. Horror movies that use mirrors are my vice.I'm deathly afraid of mirrors when I sleep. There is just something about mirrors and how they could possibly be a two way looking glass, and you have no idea who is staring in at the other end.

Mirrors are such a part of everyday life, so common we don't even notice them anymore. Every morning we get ready for our day and we brush our hair, wash our faces, brush our teeth, put on make up, shave, and in one point of your morning you have looked into a mirror without even realizing it. If mirrors were absent we'd notice how weird it is to not have that reflection to guide us.

The most interesting thing that mirrors are used for, in my opinion, is self discovery. Who looks into a mirror and is all of a sudden given the answers. But in some cases people say stare into a mirror and tell me what you see. Most of the time the answers start out with my face, or myself, but as people continue on they start to see their flaws, or their talents. Whether that be an internal or external thing. I think it's interesting that such a mundane object can be used for such deep thought.

A Text Message With My Boyfriend

Today has been an interesting day. I find myself in one of those deep thinking moods. You know the ones, where you're not quite depressed but you're not your normal giddy self. The moods where everything around you seems to send you into thinking about something. My mind has been a jumble of racing thoughts and all I want to do is sit on the grass and sort them out. But unfortunately it is raining and nasty outside, so as I stare out the window in the caf my thoughts keep racing in my head, tripping over each other, and crashing into a mess of words, and incomplete sentences. A text message conversation I had with my boyfriend was the best way I've been able to sort out my thoughts all day.

Now i am laying in the sun
11:28AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: boyfriend

Jealous it's raining here
11:35AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: Me

Not bad
11:35AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: boyfriend

I know but all I want to do is lay down on the grass and think about life and try to make sense of my jumbled thoughts
11:36AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: Me

Explain
11:37AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: boyfriend

Well if its jumbled you can't really explain it can you?
11:38AM Wed, Apr. 13
From:Me

Try me
11:38AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: boyfriend

I mean its jumbled that if I texted it and wrote it down it wouldn't make sense its more of a running commentary
11:42AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: Me

About
11:42AM Wed, Apr. 13
From boyfriend

Life..what I want to do with my life, other peoples lives, what we percieve our world to be but at every stage of life our perception changes and living here in america we're blessed. And no matter what our world, as real as it is to us, isn't the real world that a million other people are living. We don't have to worry about food, war, shelter, excessive beating and murder that people face everyday in some third world country. And how much I just want to help and make a change even if that's for a single person and I want to do it now. But at the same time I have to be realistic and I am doing things that matter and i'm taking classes trying to do non-profit and do social actions. I want to go to india and work intern over a summer with MUST and I'm thinking of being in the peace corps or something similar after school maybe before graduate school but at the same time what if I'm just saying all of this but I don't actually do it. What if I'm that naivee girl with all these great thoughts and wishes and good intentions but was raised in a well to do family in the suburbs and truly has no idea about the real world. And that no matter what she does nothing is going to change. But at the same time I'm not naivee I know changing the world is impossible and it's a process that'll take longer then my lifetime. But all I want to do is make an impact in someone's life and I'll be happy. And without those naivee people with those great thoughts where would the world be? I know I should be worrying about school and this year and not what is to come. And I have a lot more to learn and experience about this topic but I don't want to sit here in this comfortable life and do nothing about it. I'm probably jumping the gun but I want to do something now. I'm just not quite sure what.

11:59AM Wed, Apr. 13
From: Me

A Blog Post of Bad Decisions

My friend, Jericho, and I are sitting around our normal round table in the dwelling of  the Courtyard Cafe. A normal occurrence of ours. Another normal occurrence is being  kicked out of the Campus Center at midnight. I pity the people who stay here attempting  to get some homework done, because we talk way to loud and laugh obnoxiously, actually  that's only me.  


Sometimes Josh Plattner decides to grace us with his divine presence. As I speak this  Jericho makes a puppy whimper noise along with "awww Josh". You can tell how his presence  tonight is deeply missed, pouty lips follow. Jericho and I have sent texts to our divine  guide and he is not responding, so we have deducted that he must be off making out with  someone *cough cough* oh sorry, a little phlegm there. But enough talking about Josh. Let  us move on to out main  topic conversation. Gay Vampires. 


 That is right ladies and gentlemen. Gay Vampires, and it gets better. Gay Vampires in  love with Jesus Christ.

 "I wanted Jesus. That's how it started. Yes, the Jesus they built a religion on, the one  they say rose from the dead." 

Yes, I was being serious. There is a novel called Vampire Vow by Micheal Schiefelbein. (I  will give a cookie to anyone who can correctly pronounce that because I sure as hell  can't.) So the novel is about the Victor Decimus who is a Roman Solider during the time of Jesus Christ. But Jesus doesn't return his affection so to spite him and Christianity Victor becomes a Vampire. It's actually quite interesting. I read an excerpt of the novel an amazon and I was actually quite impressed. As an avid reader or trashy romance novels I know when the writing is just trashy romance writing or when it has some substance behind it....actually I take that back it's just a trashy romance novel.

" "Forbidden to whom?" I asked. I could hear him weakening, see him eyeing my strong calves, my bulky thighs. It was hot and I had thrown off my tunic off to tempt him. Nature had given me a square jaw, a cleft chin, a dark mane, eyes that could bring a vestal virgin to her knees -- and a cock that could keep her there."

Mhmmmm anyone else turned on by that? hmmzzz? Nope, okay so no one is turned on by that. But it was hilarious to read. Though I do have a question....how in the world did this book get published? Could you imagine pitching this book to a publisher?

You: Soooo I have this book.
Publisher: Mhmm-hmmm?
You: Yep I think you'll enjoy this one. It's a vampire romance novel, people eat those up today.
Publisher: *nods* mhmm
You: Full of violence, blood lust, hot passionate sex.
Publisher: Keep going
You: He's also in love with Jesus Christ


Yep. That's definitely a one way ticket out of a publisher's office. I'm not sure which is more shocking. The part where the protagonist is in love with Jesus Christ or the part where the protagonist is gay. Or perhaps it is the combination of the two. 


What I also find amusing is that in he novel when it fast forwards Victor is now living in a monastery and falls for Brother Micheal, and attempts to turn him into a vampire. Does anyone else see a connection between the names Brother Micheal and the author Micheal Schiefelbein. We now know the authors deepest fantasies. To be seduced by a vampire who had fallen in love with Jesus Christ and then be turned into a vampire and fight against all odds. Sounds oddly like my fantasy... not at all. 


While on the topic of the author, he is a professor at Memphis Tennessee. Could you imagine being his student and google-ing his name. I feel that it would go something like this. 


Scenario 1
Student: Hmmm since I'm a creepy stalker I will google my professors name. *types away at the computer*   Vampire Vow? What is this? *reads and jaw drops* WHAAAA?? oh my god!! *#@$$#*@%$*&


OR


Scenario 2
Student: Hmmm since I'm a creepy stalker I will google my professors name. *types away at the computer*   Vampire Vow? What is this? *reads and jaw drops* This is so HOT!


I sorta want this guy as my professor. And I'm actually being serious for the first time in this whole post. 


As I ponder more about this novel, I wonder if this would be acceptable for my religion class. In the class The Bible we are reading about Jesus and the gospels. I think this would be a good outside source for a paper. I mean after all the author actually did some priesthood thing. For some odd reason I don't think my religion prof will appreciate this text as much as I do. 
"The reason that Jesus lived and preached in the desert is because he was running away from a Roman Solider that was in love with him."

A+ quality right there. 


I feel that this novel also give you a new approach to coming out. 
you: Guess what? I'm a gay vampire!
person: Really?
You: Weeeell...I'm not a vampire.


And with that I shall leave you my faithful readers.

Coffee shop

Sitting in a wooden chair sideways and leaning against a brick wall. My legs pulled up so my feet reach the end of the seat and hang off while my chin rests on top of my knees. The macroeconomic book is laying carelessly on the table and a glass of vanilla iced americano sits on the table being mixed every five minutes. Live music to drown myself in and friends around to make me laugh.

What more could a person possibly want?