Hour Drive

This spring break has been interesting to say the least. There was a lot of revelations of who am I. Yesterday I took an hour long drive just to get out of the house. I had no idea where I was going all I wanted was an empty road, my car, silence, some low key music, and time to figure things out. I put in some Taylor swift and started to take back county roads to make sure the roads were mostly open. At first I just found myself staring at the scenery just watching it pass by, just like most of the events in my life seemed to pass by. For the middle of spring/winter/weird Minnesota weather it was quite beautiful. There was a bit of green and still a bit of snow. I passed by some farmland, cows, and horses. I drove to the town next over and drove past my boyfriend's old house while attempting to turn back around on the street to get back to my city. I took a back road and took some turns and soon realized I was so deep in thought that I never noticed that I had taken these turns and I was lost for a good twenty minutes just following the road till it spit me out in a familiar place, which was ironically once again the town next door.

I had to figure some things out for myself. I love my parents, I want to say that now before you continue to read. I love my parents and I'm glad for the way they raised me, but we rarely ever see eye to eye. My mother and I got in a fight while I was home during spring break. The fight was over church and how I refused to go to the church my family goes to, I'll go to any other church just not that one. And I have my reasons but my mom wasn't taking that. She threatened to take away my privileges to see people while I was home and my open house for graduation, and I was actually okay with that. That is how much I did not want to see two certain people at my church. Well my dad came upstairs and we had a chit chat ((and he is such a puppy)) in the end he said that he didn't agree with what my mom said and that if I didn't want to go I didn't have to. So of course I didn't go and when my mom came back from church and my dad and I returned from going to the swan park in town I noticed my mothers cold attitude towards me. She refused to talk to me. Obviously I couldn't handle it so I told my father I was going to go to a friend's house and instead I took an hour drive, I didn't mean for it to end up that way but it did.

While driving I thought a lot about my relationship with my mother. My mother and I are extremely alike, which is why we get along great when we're not fighting. Once one of us gets upset the other goes off also. We fight head on when we disagree. I always thought we were the same, and that scared me. I love my mother, but I never want to be like her when I'm a parent. That's my biggest fear, I never want to be my parents. I'm not saying this because they were horrible parents, because to be completely honest they weren't. They were just fundamental Christians and raised their children as such, but I want to raise my children to be open minded, and not be conventional and normal like everyone else. I always feared that in the end I would act the same way my mother did and be a clone copy of her parenting. But while I was driving in that hour I realized that I am nothing like my mother. I don't use anger and threatening to get my way. I'm not closed minded, I'm extremely open minded. I care about people and social justice more than she ever has. I won't use a person's greatest weakness against them. I also try to understand where another person is coming from and actually listen.

I know I just made my mom sound like a horrible person, but she's not. She's extremely loving. But she has flaws, all of us do. I don't think she does any of that intentionally, at least I hope she doesn't. I give her the benefit of the doubt because if I did any of those things it wouldn't be intentionally.

My mom and I are finally talking again during break. There's still a bit of tension but we're getting over it. I'm just glad that I had the chance to figure some things out during spring break and to realize that one of my greatest fears isn't a fear of mine anymore.

Concerts

You've got to love them.

You know why?

Because you're so packed in tightly that you're un-intentionality having sex with everyone around you and it's perfectly fine.I think the most interesting about concerts is that in real life no one would want someone that close to them, and all up on their personal space. But once you add a band, lights, big security guys, and a gate everyone is packing in as close as possible.

LOVE CONCERTS!

Especially Friday night's concert! Because who cares that the bands actually don't sound that good, and you can't understand a single thing they say because you go for the experience of sweaty bodies and shoving elbows. WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I know that sounded really sarcastic, but it wasn't I actually meant it. I love concerts. I use to go to them all the time. Unfortunately I am now a broke college student who is way to busy and doesn't have the time or the money to go to them anymore. ((insert sad face here))

I inserted a sad face for you. 

Friday night I went to see Pierce the Veil, We came as Romans, Bring Me The Horizon, and A Day To Remember and it was EPIC!!!!! Oh and it was also held at epic entertainment how ironic. So even if you don't care I'm going to give you a quick synopsis of that night.

First I got lost in Minneapolis, which is not a shock at all. Seeing that I've never driven in Minneapolis by myself. It was quite terrifying but exciting at the same time. All the one way streets were confusing me. So I got onto this really sketchy looking parking ramp and parked there making sure to use the stairs to get to ground level, because taking the elevator is stupid you have nowhere to run if you need to. So then I get outside and I'm lost, I have no idea where 5th street is. I see that I'm on the corner of forth and I do an ennie meanie minnie moe thing and decide to take a left and hope that that's fifth street. So while I'm walking by myself obviously having no idea where I'm going I see this group of teenagers and I go up to them and ask if they know where 5th street is. Turns out they were going to the concert also so I just tagged along and we found the venue. So then we get in this line to find out that the line is 18+ and you need an ID. Wellllllll obviously I'm not 18 and even if I was I didn't have my ID on me ((I left it in the car)). Thankfully the people I was with didn't have their ID so we walked to the other end where the line was for people who are under 18 or just don't have their ID and you round the corner and your jaw just drops. The line stretches all the way around the block and it's about eight people wide. And while walking along I hear someone say my name and I see two friends from my school towards the front of the line, so we just jump in. We still had to wait for about an hour till we got in. Once we got in I found my way to the front. It's kinda shocking actually. I thought it'd take me awhile but nope, during the first band I found my way to the front and stayed in the front for the whole concert. I was around the coolest people also. This is what I love about concerts either you meet the coolest people or the bitchiest people ever. Thankfully this time I had awesome people who talked to me. What's also awesome about concerts is you get to know a lot about the people around you in four hours because you have no where else to go and they're constantly pushed up right besides you.

The bands were great. Loved them all, of course I loved A Day To Remember the best because they're the main reason why I went to the concert. They had confetti, and threw toilet paper and beach balls, and my favorite was when the lead singer Jeremy got into this human sized hamster ball that was filled with air and ran over the crowd in it. It was pretty awesome. I have pictures but unfortunately I left my camera chord at school so I'll have to load them after break.

On the note of people being on top of the crowd there was a lot of crowd surfing. I've crowd surfed five times in my life time and I  LOVE it. The feeling is absolutely amazing but I'm always scared they're gonna drop me. Thankfully I'm a girl, and girls normally don't get dropped, the guys normally get dropped. ((It's an observation I've noticed when I go to concerts.)) I would have crowd surfed but I didn't think it was worth losing my spot in the front and I'm glad I didn't because I had the best view of the bands and it was AWESOME.

So there is a short account of my night. The only two events I'm leaving out is I ran into a girl I worked with randomly which is awesome. ((Love her)) Oh and I saw a cat fight! It was pretty hilarious. In the front they had the normal bear cage and then moveable railings to keep people out and the next thing I know is to my right this girl gets shoved out of the crowd and through the gap between the cage and the railing and the security guard in the front makes her walk to the side to get out of the gap and she goes around to literally claw at the girl who had pushed her out and the security guard has to break up this fight. Then the girl's friend ((the one who had gotten pushed out)) got pushed out also. It was an altercation that lasted maybe a minute not even and it was so funny to watch. I know I explained that horribly, but it's a you had to be there thing. 

So I think I got everything covered...

Forgiveness

I never thought I had a problem with forgiveness, but now that I think back upon it I realize that I haven't been as forgiving as I've always believed. Forgiveness was a hard lesson for me, like it is for many people. I'm a trusting person I easily believe and trust in people always finding the good in them. This is a quality that I love about myself, but it also means that I'm prone to get hurt. And no matter what a person did to hurt me, no matter how much they broke me down I was always there for them in their time of need. I always thought that was the equivalent of forgiveness. I would tell the person that I forgave them and I would be there when they needed me. But the truth was I never forgave them. In the short run, yes I forgave them. I set their transgressions aside. But in the long run I carried that hurt with me. I would bring it up at times to rant about, to bring myself down ((as pathetic as that sounds)), or to remind myself of the past so I don't make the same mistakes. But that isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness it letting it go, once and for all. That sounds a lot more simple than it actually is.

When someone hurts you deeply you never forget it. We are humans, we have flaws in our character and that's one of them. Most of the time you don't forget those deep scars because that is something that shaped you into the person you are today. True forgiveness takes time with those deep emotional scars. You can tell that person you forgive them but it's not going to be till years later that you'll reach true forgiveness.

I define true forgiveness by letting it go. What I mean by that is you forgive the person, whether you tell them or not is up to you. The real aspect of forgiveness is you cannot bring up the injustice towards you in negative ways. You cannot bring up that emotional scar to be angry about or to make yourself feel bad. If you're bringing up that situation then you haven't truly forgiven that person because you still have negative feelings that will eat you from the inside out. You know you have reached forgiveness when you can look back on the event as something that made you stronger, and make something positive out of what happened.

I'm not saying that this is easy, it's not. Forgiveness is something I struggle with all the time. A lot of things that happened to me took years to heal. All the hurt from elementary school and middle school I can finally look back on and feel no negative or angry feelings and I can finally say those events made me stronger. It took me 4+ years to finally be able to say that and truly mean it.

The thing that inspired me to write this post was my issue with the church and religion. If you read my blog entry called churches,whistles,and cancellations, you'll see some of the things the church had done to me. Obviously you can tell I haven't truly forgiven the church and religion for the ways they hurt me. But I'm working on forgiving them. And I need to stop bringing up what happened to me so I can use that as a reason to be mad at religion, my family, the church I go to. It's hard, it's extremely hard, but harboring those feelings only started to eat away at me from the inside, and not in a good way. It's not going to be an easy journey, I know that, the pain is still fresh and the wound is just healing. But hopefully I'll be able to stitch up that wound and hurry the process along by forcing myself not to bring up what happened in negative ways. I hope that reading this entry has made you think of something that you need to forgive, and hopefully helps you in some sort of way.

"True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment." - David Ridge

Frustration

Why is it when you're frustrated all you want to do is cry...or maybe that's just me. I hope it's not just me because then I'm an emotional mess, and I like to think I'm pretty emotionally stable. Today has been a good day but there's these moments today where I felt my eyes tearing up and all I wanted to do was let them loose perhaps with angry ranting and swear words. I probably looked like these following people;

Note the swear words and the needed cup of coffee in the photo's above. 

So what made me almost cry today?
Well my frustration started with realizing that my prospective student had taken my cell phone charger when she had packed up to go home. Which means guess who's cell phone less? Yep me. You never notice how much that bothers you until you don't have a cell phone. The reason I needed my cell phone was because my dad was going to come down to change cars with me because my car has a dead battery, but without a cell phone how was he suppose to tell me he was down here? Well he didn't come because Minnesota decided that March 23rd was a great day for a snow day so he's coming down tomorrow. And I just keep staring at my phone hoping that with my jedi mind tricks someone might call me on my room phone. Though only two people have my room phone number and that would be my mother and my boyfriend, either would be an amazing call. I think it's because I have so much to rant about I just want to talk to someone, so it might be a good thing they're not calling me because all they'll get is a very angry Beka. And that's not a good Beka.

So in the middle of my day I went to my macroeconomics class and my teacher gave us this worksheet. Which I stared at for five minutes before even bothering to pick up my pen. I've never took economics in highschool so taking it in college just sucks. Anyway we're on this chapter which has a bunch of math problems and I've been so focused on my Bible class I haven't kept up with the reading. I can't learn stuff through a lecture, I need to be able to read the chapter and understand it, my notes from the lecture just reinforces that learning. But I haven't been able to sit down with the chapters yet so I have no idea what is going on. So I started trying to figure it out because sitting there is not being productive and I feel my eyes tearing up. I don't want to cry, all I want to do is figure out those damn problems and have them make sense. So I'm hanging my head making sure my bangs are falling in my face so no one else can see this pathetic show and Charlie looks over and asks if I'm okay? Which just makes me feel worse because first he caught me, and second because all I'm going to do is slow him down because he gets this stuff and he'll have to take time to help me. Which in all honestly isn't going to help because I haven't had time to figure this stuff out. So I shake my head and tell him to continue on, which of course he doesn't listen to me! which is actually more frustrating because I don't want to bring him down with me. But I let him help because he's determined to help. So he's helping me and we are just finishing up problem one when the teacher comes around and asks where we are and I'm just like, really, really world? You must hate me. And my prof tells me that I should be farther and I just want to growl and tell him to leave but I don't I just listen as he hands me back my paper and I continue on attempting to do the homework assignment I don't understand. 

And than I go back to my room after class today and take a seven hour nap ((Which feels like I didn't sleep at all because I think I'm getting sick)) And when I wake up I go to find my wallet, and it's missing. I just ordered domino pizza last night, I was holding my wallet in my hand, and now my wallet is gone and I have no idea where it went. And I just want to scream and cry and rant, but that's no productive. So i tried being productive, I searched under my bed, in my bed, on the desk, on the shelf, in my drawers, on top of my closet, in my purses, etc. And nothing! It's just gone and I try to tell myself not to worry but in two days I need to drive home for spring break and in a week I'm going to Florida so I need my ID and without my wallet I don't have an idea. And I just want to cry once again. I still haven't found my wallet, I have given up and just hope that within the next two days it shows up otherwise I'm screwed.

I hate the helpless feeling of losing things or not understanding. It frustrates me probably because in that moment there's nothing you can do about it. You're absolutely helpless, you can try to be productive and plug ahead but that really isn't going to help your situation. When I'm frustrated I try no to scream, rant, swear, and cry I try to figure it out, or search for something calmly but that never works. Probably because I'm human and emotions override logic even though we hate it.

So I'm just going to go to bed and hope that tomorrow is better and that I find my missing wallet, because right now that's the most pressing concern.

Angels

"And I'm feeling lost like a half-winged Angel"

"That could be in heaven but can't fly so high"

"I know this is common we all live the danger

Of realizing we've slept away most of our lives"

- Half-Winged Angel by Ellis

Age is Beauty

I'm not sure I agree with that statement. To me age has always been a crutch not something beautiful. Something to be used against me not to build me up. I have a huge problem with my age, and I probably will until I'm like forty or something. Maybe even then.

You have to understand I'm young. Like super young. Like seventeen in college young. It kills me a little on the inside to even write that. A lot of people say oh it's amazing that you got into college so young and you should be proud of that. But I'm not. On the other hand a lot of people say, wow you're young and look down on me for it. I don't know about you, but constantly knowing that the people you go to school with are two to five years older then you is not something you forget, ever.

Sometimes I feel like if you know how young I am you're going to look down on me more, think of me as less of a person. It's not rational at all but I constantly feel like that. Think that oh you're so young that you don't know how the world works, or you can't make a difference, or you're still a minor according to the law. When people ask how old I am I cringe, I tell them the truth because I can't lie. There's that moment of shock followed by the "oh." or "I never knew that" or "I wouldn't have guessed that" well you might not have known but everyday I know and I feel that people judge me about it, that just by looking at me they can figure it out. Then there's the people that when I tell they say "Oh wow you're so young" and then they NEVER let me forget it. They keep bringing it up all the time. I already I have a constant reminder voice in my head, I don't need you to constantly remind me also. There was one girl this year that every time I saw her she brought it up. Always brought up that I was a freshmen, and the youngest freshmen at that. But she was in my position last year who is she to judge me on my age? 

Sometimes there are those moments where I honestly don't think I'm seventeen. It's not like I forget, because you never forget something like that, it's more like I've experienced so many things that most people don't when they're seventeen. I'm not saying I know everything, trust me I know nothing, I crave to know more. But those moments where I'm sure I'm more mature then my age. And those are probably my best moments. And then there are those moments when I fuck up. When I say something I shouldn't, or I act extremely immature. Not like the oh-I'm-going-to-act-immature-to-be-funny, more like the oh crap I shouldn't have said that or done that. And yeah when those moments happen most people forget about them but I don't. And then there are those people who remember those moments and blame it on the fact that I'm only seventeen or I'm only a first year in college. 

My favorite are my parents. Especially now that second semester is halfway done and then I'm going to live with them for three months again. I'm already planning things for this summer and when I told my mom about them she was like, you're seventeen you're still a minor. That's not fair, I'm seventeen legally but I've been away for a whole school year, I'm going to be a sophmore in college next year. What's you're excuse going to be then? I understand she means well and she's just trying to protect me. I also understand that during those three months I will be living under their roof and will have to abide by those rules no matter how old I am, but using my age against me is just...it kinda hurts. Maybe it's because I don't have a good image about my age, if you had told me you can't do that because I will be living under your roof then I'd be fine about that, but instead you pick my greatest weakness...my age. 

And I know when you read this blog you're most likely thinking 'you're seventeen you still have the world ahead of you. And eventually you'll be comfortable in you're own age.', but I don't think so. Maybe it's because I'm constantly looking forward to tomorrow, what I'll be doing in the next five years that I just want time to go by faster. My brain is in this time period years ahead of the year that I'm living in that moment. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, maybe I have to start living in the moment but that's a blog for a different day.

At the same time I don't want to be in my forties and be saying I wish I was younger, I wish I had the time to appreciate my youth and I wasn't so focused on being older and hating the fact that I was young. 

 My age is something that I'm working on accepting as weird as that sounds. It's a part of me and I need to embrace it. Mark Twain once said;

"Age is an issue of mind over matter; If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

To me my age matters and I have to start to let that go. 

Feeling Free

So I suppose you all want to know what the point of this blog is for me. The thing is that I'm young but I've had the chance to do so many things and to have some many different experiences. I want to live each day of my life without missing a single moment of it. Without going through the motions or going through life with my eyes closed. In order to do that I decided for the rest of the year I'm going to make a conscious effort to find something that inspires me that day. It can be some huge deep thought thing, or it could be something that makes me upset and want to do something, it could even be something that just interested me that day and I felt like blogging about it.


So for today, my inspiration for today was a thousand pound animal between my legs.

Wow that sounded terrible. Bad Beka, bad. But seriously, it's was my horse riding lesson. I take lessons in the town over from my college and I am on the equestrian team at my school. It's all English, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sorry and just attempt to follow along. So I take a forty-five minute lesson once a week and that is the thing I look forward to every week, because it's one of the things I enjoy most.

No I don't own any horses, I wish I did though. I live in a suburb area so it's not possible for me to own my horse. I didn't ride before this September, and it's amazing the progress I have made so far. This is something I plan to do for my college career and hopefully longer. I don't care much for showing the horse my favorite thing is riding and just the feeling it gives me . 

So in today's lesson I finally got to canter off the lunge line which just felt amazing. Cantering is the third gait of the horse meaning it uses three legs at a time ((wow I described that horribly)) It looks like this video. The girl started out with a trot then went into a canter, I have no idea what she's saying because I had my sound on mute I just wanted a visual.

Not only did I feel like I achieved something when I was able to do canter the horse without it being on the lunge line and have control was just elevating. Also the feeling when you ride is just indescribable, but I'm going to do my best to describe it. It's like being free. Everything that's going on your life just slips away all that matters is you and the horse. Not only that but both of you are working in sync. It's liberating, and amazing, and smooth, and wonderful and I love it. Not only did I get to canter but I got to do a little bit of jumping over really low posts. I didn't expect to be jumping at least till I was riding for a year but here I am not even six months later learning to jump. And when the horse jumps jumps at the right speed, the right time, and you're in the right posture, and you're body is in sync with the horse it feels like you're flying.

So the question is that how does this inspire me? Well obviously that feeling of freedom is a huge inspiration in my life. I also love the fact that no matter how my day is going, or what is going on in my life I have this time where I just slip away and all that matters is that moment, and what I'm doing in that moment. It's a reality check, every time I leave the barn I think about that feeling of liberation and the way that whatever was bothering me isn't bothering me anymore. Sometimes it's nice to have a break from life

Horseback riding is my drug, ((Which is actually proven in a scientific study but that's a topic for a different day)) It's the best day of my week, and I can't wait for my next lesson to improve more. 

Whistles, Churches, Cancellations

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today has been pretty crappy. I should revise that sentence, tonight has been pretty crappy. Today was great until about six o'clock. Three separate events happened one after another. Originally I wanted this blog to be about what inspires me for that day, and what makes me a better person but I feel that this is important to write even though it is only ranting. So if you don't want to read ranting then I suggest reading another entry or clicking next.

On a normal day I would have been able to handle all these events without a problem. But I was being a female and just emotionally unstable and they just piled up and I just exploded. Not only that but I picked at them and found reason to dislike them even more.

The first thing that set me off was a rape whistle. Because of the assaults that happened on our campus, our campus bought whistles and put them out for people to grab in case they ever get assaulted.

On a Normal Day: I wouldn't really mind this. I would think that it was awesome that our campus was this invested in our safety. The whistles are really shiny and that would distract me for a while, plus I'd have the urge to use them but not really because they're emergency only whistles, that would be a little awkward if I tested it out and people came to help him.

Today: I was pissed off. What kind of world do we live in that I have to have a whistle on my lanyard incase someone decided to jump out of the shadows and assault me. It's dumb that we (women especially) have to watch our backs all the time, we can't leave drinks empty because people will slip things into them. Whenever you walk alone at night you're constantly looking over your shoulder because they're creeps out there that don't give a damn that you are a human being and that they will hurt you all they care about is their own pleasure. ((Insert the rest of the feminist rant here))

The second thing of today was Churches. A highschool in Oakdale is putting on the Laramie Project. For those of you who don't know what the Laramie Project is I shall give you a little background, for those of you do congratulations but you're still going to have to read this background story. The Laramie Project is a theatre group that went down to Laramie Wyoming to interview people of Laramie about the murder of Matthew Shepard. Matthew was a homosexual male who was beaten and tied to a fence post and left for dead. The story caught national headlines. The theatre group did many interviews about the aftermath of the death and wrote a play based on the 200+ interviews. So this highschool is putting on this play. And then the Waboro baptist church puts on their website that they are going to protest at this play along with other conservative churches around the area. They are boycotting the play and telling students who go to that school not to support the other students in the play!

On a Normal Day: I would be a little upset by this story. But find it awesome that so many people are supporting this school and the students who are doing this play. Most of the students of that school are outraged and going to support the play. I would attempt to get a ticket and go to the play to support those awesome students.

Today: I was pissed. What right does that church have to come and protest! It's not like the play is saying that homosexuality is A-OK and let's just have gay sex everywhere. It's talking about murder people! But obviously these churches think that the fact that Matthew Shepard was gay is much worse than the fact that he was beaten and murdered. Not only that but churches are annoying. I have many bad experiences with churches because of the issue of homosexuality and the fact that I don't agree with them. I've got kicked off a worship team, told that they couldn't help me unless I decided to change my lifestyle. Had my parents called in for a meeting with the elders, had the youth pastor talk to me. Then I went to a different church, someone said in that church that if you're gay you shouldn't be coming here. They wanted to kick me out of the youth group. They wanted to have a sermon solely on homosexuality and how it's a sin. They sent a CD to my parents about an ex-gay behind my back. And so much more, that's just a few things. Basically these things have messed me up for life. I'm no longer comfortable walking into churches, I don't dislike Christianity as a religion I dislike the people who follow it. I could go on forever. The bottom line is all those memories came back and began to pile on and just weigh me down. I don't know why I remember them, maybe I'm a masochist and I like feeling the emotional pain and self pity. Maybe it's so I never forget the grudge I have against the church. Or maybe it's because I know these events made me a stronger person and shaped me into the person I am and proud to be, and forgetting seems to forget who I am and what I stand for.

The third event is that this play I'm in called The Raft Of the Medusa got canceled. This play was about people who have HIV/AIDS and are dying. It's extremely powerful and I suggest people to read it ((Though watching it is far easier to understand)) It was amazing. I worked with the most amazing people and I had so much fun. It made me more aware of the fight against HIV/AIDS. I knew about it before, but being in this play just brought it home. The play was canceled because people dropped out, showed up late or didn't show for practices. So not enough commitment though there were a number of people committed and that was awesome.

On a Normal Day: I would be able to say okay. I'm sad to see it go, but if no one is committed to being in it then we gave it our best shot and it didn't work. I'm glad to have the chance to be in and learn more. I wish I could be superman and pull this thing together but that's the way life roles.

Today: Just more upset. I've been looking forward to this all semester and I really wanted to do it. A lot of other people were disappointed and hurt, the student who was directing it sounded extremely disappointed/devastated. I'm extremely sad to see it go.

So that was my crappy night in a nutshell. It feels a lot better to just write about it and let it all out.

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.-Harvey Fierstein

Take Back The Night

Tonight I wanted to blog about an event I just attended at my college. It's called Take Back The Night. I suppose I should give you a little background story first. In the last week there were two attempts at sexual assault within twenty-four hours of each other. In response our college sent out emails, texts, had an investigation, held a campus forum, and the overall support the campus had was mind blowing. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen here, because the sad truth is that it does happen. But when an incident happens the whole community pulls together and does something to stop it, that is what Gustavus is known for. And of course our campus pulled together for large support, people offer to walk together, offer rides, offer support, and offer care. One of the things the campus offered was the event Take Back The Night. This is an organization that is against sexual assault, to be the voice against it. The website is takebackthenight.org and is amazing and I suggest you all to go on the site. Tonight as a campus we came together to hear four speakers and then we separated into males and females and shared stories of how sexual assault has impacted our life. The women took a walk around the campus to claim back the campus, to say that this is our campus and we are not afraid to walk it. The males met back up with us and together as a group we burned the pieces of paper that had our stories to symbolically show that we are free of what happened. ((At least that's what I got out of it, though others might have gotten a different message.))

The reason I am writing about this event is because I have something to share. Personally I am not a survivor, but I know many people who are and they are the strongest most extraordinary people I know.

My best friend is a survivor. I've known her for several years, and I knew the man who assaulted her. He was my best friend also. I trusted him and confided in him never knowing at all what was going on behind closed doors. They were together for two years and when they broke up months after she finally told me about what had been going on. What I had been oblivious too for two years. I'm glad she told me, that she trusted me with her story and I'm glad that I was there for her. She told people what had happened and it didn't go smoothly at all. Unfortunately he only got a restraining order and a slap on the wrist. But being by her side I learned how strong survivors are and what they go through during and after the assault.

She is not the only survivor I know. I know female and male survivors and I'm glad these people had the courage to tell me and trusted me with such stories.

The reason I am writing is to other survivors those who have spoken out about what had happened and those who haven't yet. I want you all to know that YOU ARE STRONG! You might not believe that you are, but don't let that doubt consume you because you are amazing, beautiful, extraordinary, strong people. NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. It's never your fault don't even think for a second that it is. Don't start tearing yourself apart for what happened. It's hard. It's not going to be easy, but you have many people that LOVE YOU, and SUPPORT YOU.

For those people who are not survivors and are people who know someone who is a survivor or support survivors I have something to share you with you also. You are beautiful caring people and I am glad to have people like you who are in the fight to stop sexual assault.

For those people who read this and think that you have nothing to do with this I have a message for you also. Most likely there is someone who you know who is a survivor. And when they tell you, or you find out, DO NOT ACT OUT IN VIOLENCE OR ANGER. Acting out in violence is just a repeat of the cycle that started this all. What you should do is be there for that person, listen to them, be that person whose shoulder they can cry on. Act in an understanding way. Remind them that they are amazing and strong. Most likely these people will feel doubt or self blame DO NOT LET THEM. It is never the victim's fault no matter the situation, no matter what they did, what they didn't do. Support them.

As to the media, STOP portraying women as objects. STOP selling our bodies. And STOP glorifying sex.

Last note I want to make is about the white ribbon campaign. Wear a white ribbon to show that you are against sexual assault, that you will not be a bystander when it happens. That you will not be a bystander when crude comments are made or when a situation occurs. Be the voice. Stop your friends when they're tearing apart women, stop the person who is pulling an intoxicated person into an abandoned room. Stop that person that keeps giving the girl drinks, drugs, or whatever. Stop the situation before it turns into sexual assault.

SEXUAL ASSAULT SHOULD NEVER BE ACCEPTED! IT HAS NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD!

Who Are You

That's right.

 Who are you?

Bet you've never read a blog where they started out asking who are you, right? ((Please don't tell me I'm wrong, I like to live in this delusion that I'm creative and original even though I'm probably not)) What right do I have to ask you who you are? I bet that's what you're thinking. Or you're thinking of ways to answer my question. And you're probably moving your mouse to the top right hand of corner of the screen hovering right over that little red x button because why are you going to listen to some random person asking who are you. But that's my fascination in life. Finding out who people are, what makes them tick, how their brain works. That's probably why my goal is to become a psychologist.  Yep, I'm going to be one of those shrinks peering at you behind those square glasses, scrutinizing your every move and writing it down all neatly on my notepad. HAHA just joking, those people scare me.

Anyway back to the question who are you. It's one of those life questions that everyone just hates to answer including me. I mean seriously, I'm a freshmen in college I'm extremely young, I'm not suppose to have this crap figured out! But I'd like to think I have a bit of a head start. I'd be lying to you if I have everything figured out, anyone who says that will be lying to you. But I can tell you a bit about who I am, or how I perceive myself is more of the right answer.

I have a large heart.
I have the biggest conscious in the world.
I am a bit of a klutz
I am not organized to save my life ((but getting better))
I geek out over the littlest of things
I love to laugh
I love to talk to people and get to know them
I have an obsession with Hello Kitty and Pokemon
I like to dye my hair all the time
I like rainbows
I am an individual
I wish I could draw
I love to write
I never have enough time to do what I want
I hate my age
I love my sister
I am a feminist
I sleep with a stuff animal at night
I love to cuddle
I believe in equality
I love to act even though I'm okay at it
I am good at memorizing
I like to be random
I want to social activism especially dealing with the LGBT community
I am comfortable with who I am
I doubt myself sometimes
I let things get to me that shouldn't
I try to be the best person I can be
I enjoy piercings and tattoos
I am a Gleek
I enjoy the supernatural
I Love Who I Am

It's hard to answer a question of who are you. There is so much about a person you can't label them. You can't fit them in a tiny box and say that I know exactly who that person is because you don't. Even if you lived your whole life with someone you won't know who they are because who they are is constantly changing, you'll always learn something new. And that's my favorite thing about human nature.

Even though this was a simple post, a simple idea, a simple concept it was inspired by this youtube video. And I'd like anyone who comes across this blog to watch it. Because it's short and powerful. And I'm playing it non-stop at one am in the morning when I should be doing macroeconomics.